Half In Half Out: Shanghai

Sent out the term sheet mid-night. Got up at seven to check email to make sure there is not a conference call at nine. Talked to D. Went back to sleep. Woke up by the boss’s exciting voice about the reply from the U.S. and how good my single sentence in the email was, and of course needed to write back As Soon As Possible!

Whatever.

A guy got out of the taxi right as I walked out onto the street - nice! “To East Yan’an Rd. and Middle Xizang Rd, go to Yan’an Rd first, large turn (Shanghainese way of say left turn) on Xizang Rd.” There are only two roads involved in this short stretch of distance, yet I am always surprised how often I have to raise my voice in telling the drive “DO NOT use Xizang Rd. GO TO Yan’an Rd first”. Xizang road is a no-no because it’s always crowded during my morning commute hour.

I used to walk to work but it has been taxi for a while. At first it was because that my boss called me to get to work in a minute, then I feel bad for getting up late and going to work late - the taxi doesn’t save more than ten minute than walking, but it makes my guilt less for some reason. I also found I started to do my make-up in the taxi, that makes me feel good too because I feel I have saved time somehow.

I didn’t know I’d be pressured by another soul in this world - I usually press myself harder than others do. But nei, this particular boss seems to be able to make my life difficult if he wants to. I know that because when he doesn’t bother me, my life is so peaceful and quiet. Such as today.

It was weird for a while as I sat there realizing that I don’t have emergency situations to deal with, I don’t have a deadline for a report, a speech, a spreadsheet or a powerpoint presentation, I don’t have telephone calls to make, I don’t have new subjects to figure out, I don’t have meetings to go to, to prepare or to write minute for, not even receipts for reimbursement, not even messy table to clean.

It was weird for a while as I sat there wondering what I should be doing.

Haven’t written personal email for a while, so I did some of that. Missed the early deadline for an important meeting in Chicago, have to pay $400 dollars more, thought about ways I can get around with it, but decided not to make troubles for myself. There is a dancing company called Shanghai Dance. They are having a couple performances this week. I checked out their website, saw the video, sounds kind of interesting, so I wondered for a while who I should be asking to go with. Asked my assistant to teaching me how to read financial statements. It was fun for a while - I got him to pay me ￥10 for something he was sure I cannot get on the web, but I did. Later it started to ask for more brain than I want to use, so we gave up.

I strolled home slowly trying to take a different route from my regular paths. I wondered in my mind how the past few months got so intense. After the spring festival, we moved, window or no-window, bad smell, missing air vent in my office, paint the wall blue… Beijing. Visitors come, speeches, dinner with the prestigious scholar. Prepare for the visits. CDAs. Engagement letters. Agenda. Negotiation table. The new faces of board members. the smily analyst and the investment bankers who ran away. The me who wants to run away as well, the boss who disappointed me and who asked me to stay. The silence. The uncharacteristically silence. The walks in Hangzhou. Nice evening, beautiful view. Keep walking till legs sore, till too tired to think.

That report was never finished, was it? That part of the memory, did I subconsciously intend to seal it? It’s blocked. I cannot remember it.

I spent half an hour at a pirated CD stand picking music. Got a dozen. Stopped by a fruit stand to get some pineapple and lemon. It is said that they are effective in getting rid of construction smells.

I don’t need to work tonight. No expectation of phone calls from the opposite side of the night. No anticipation of text messages out of the already full memory. No deadline. No assignment. No obligations. No aspirations. No cause. No will. No physical pain. No intangible guilt. Not hopeful. Not desperate. No emotional drama. No silent conversation. No deep sadness. No large happyness.

Is this the state of nothingness in Daoism? I like it.

—–

It was sticky rice ball festival yesterday(I am sure there is better translation somewhere). The last day of the Chinese spring festival.

I came back from Beijing in the evening. Took the airport bus No. 5 - the taxi line was long. In the television on the bus, I saw programs on the festival, how the festival started, what do people do in this festival. You never thought you’d learn things from those tiny bus TVs full of advertisement, then here I was, listening intently about how the festival is characterized by “nao”, meaning noisy, and people do three things today, eating sticky rice ball, seeing “hua deng” (flower lamp), and guessing riddles written on pieces of paper hanging from the lamp.

I saw a large white moon hanging in the middle of the sky as I pulled my luggage through the doorman’s new concrete shed. He has gotten used to seeing me dragging my luggage in and out. My room is cold comparing to the Beijing dorm room Alan lives. I turned the electronic heater to the maximum in the living room, and the air conditioner in the bedroom to 28. Air conditioner as heat source is unheard of anywhere else, I heard people comparing the heating AC with a hair blower. It is supposed to be able to heat up the room fast, or it makes you feel heat fast, the room, however, never gets hot.

Oh, I miss the heat in Beijing already. Radiator heating, just one piece under the window, but it gets so hot that you have to open the window, and then you have to only wear T-shirt, or a tank top, with just our shorts. Alan and I wore our shorts while we worked on my report. She helped me to type, while I focus on what to say and say it out loud.

Beijing warmed me up inside out. I recently discovered that friends and family warm one’s heart, from a comparison experiment.  The control is Shanghai where I don’t have friends and family, the experiment is Beijing, where I have friends and family. Well, it is not really a controlled experiment. Because there are other warming factor about Beijing - the beijing people. When you ask for directions on the street here, people tell you! I have given up asking for directions in Shanghai already, especially in older neighbor. They never tell you - you are not buying, why should they waste their brain power to tell.

Maybe it is just that I spent a good weekend in Beijing. Maybe it just happened that Alan’s warm home and warm heart met the cold traveled heart. Maybe it was my liangliang jiejie’s cooking, the authentic potato and hong shao rou, the donggua soup, the ants climbing tree, the chao suan tai, the three treasure tofu mushroom, the chicken feet, all home made, all authentic. I eat out in good restaurants a lot. This meal was the best since I came back to China.

I started to understand Beijing’s road. The center of the city is the forbidden city, then there are circles of high ways radiating out from the center, second circle, third circle, fourth circle, fifth circle. Thus it is easy to identify a place in Beijing. You say which circle, then you say east, west, north or south. With these simple ordinance you pretty much identified the place. The north of the city is more desirable, because it is “high wind, high water”. It is said that the water for the tap in the north part is better for drinking than that is from South.

I had not like the roads of Beijing, but as I start to understand it, they started to make sense. I guess it is just another way of living and deciding how the cars to. It is not the most beautiful, but it is pretty efficient. After all, why should there be only one way of planning the city.

Anyway, last night sucks. The fireworks outside, only to contrast the cold and lonely sight inside my apartment. I had to work on the report to the board.

Stayed up till two. Went to bed. Had to get up early so that I can get to work by nine.

A new year has started.

—–

圣诞时分街道的华灯， 窗口里的圣诞树，这么些年， 从来没有让我太注意地观察和倾心地热爱。 可是我现在坐在上海的高楼的林海里，坐在独自的无聊中，却只要仔仔细细努努力力地想像圣诞的样子， 正如我独自走在圣保罗暮色里的安静的小街，仔仔细细努努力力地想像春节的热闹的歌舞升平。

我想念， 我想念到有泪， 我想念到心疼， 可是， 我想念的是什么？

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