Sent out the term sheet mid-night. Got up at seven to check email to make sure there is not a conference call at nine. Talked to D. Went back to sleep. Woke up by the boss’s exciting voice about the reply from the U.S. and how good my single sentence in the email was, and of course needed to write back As Soon As Possible!

Whatever.

A guy got out of the taxi right as I walked out onto the street - nice! “To East Yan’an Rd. and Middle Xizang Rd, go to Yan’an Rd first, large turn (Shanghainese way of say left turn) on Xizang Rd.” There are only two roads involved in this short stretch of distance, yet I am always surprised how often I have to raise my voice in telling the drive “DO NOT use Xizang Rd. GO TO Yan’an Rd first”. Xizang road is a no-no because it’s always crowded during my morning commute hour.

I used to walk to work but it has been taxi for a while. At first it was because that my boss called me to get to work in a minute, then I feel bad for getting up late and going to work late - the taxi doesn’t save more than ten minute than walking, but it makes my guilt less for some reason. I also found I started to do my make-up in the taxi, that makes me feel good too because I feel I have saved time somehow.

I didn’t know I’d be pressured by another soul in this world - I usually press myself harder than others do. But nei, this particular boss seems to be able to make my life difficult if he wants to. I know that because when he doesn’t bother me, my life is so peaceful and quiet. Such as today.

It was weird for a while as I sat there realizing that I don’t have emergency situations to deal with, I don’t have a deadline for a report, a speech, a spreadsheet or a powerpoint presentation, I don’t have telephone calls to make, I don’t have new subjects to figure out, I don’t have meetings to go to, to prepare or to write minute for, not even receipts for reimbursement, not even messy table to clean.

It was weird for a while as I sat there wondering what I should be doing.

Haven’t written personal email for a while, so I did some of that. Missed the early deadline for an important meeting in Chicago, have to pay $400 dollars more, thought about ways I can get around with it, but decided not to make troubles for myself. There is a dancing company called Shanghai Dance. They are having a couple performances this week. I checked out their website, saw the video, sounds kind of interesting, so I wondered for a while who I should be asking to go with. Asked my assistant to teaching me how to read financial statements. It was fun for a while - I got him to pay me ￥10 for something he was sure I cannot get on the web, but I did. Later it started to ask for more brain than I want to use, so we gave up.

I strolled home slowly trying to take a different route from my regular paths. I wondered in my mind how the past few months got so intense. After the spring festival, we moved, window or no-window, bad smell, missing air vent in my office, paint the wall blue… Beijing. Visitors come, speeches, dinner with the prestigious scholar. Prepare for the visits. CDAs. Engagement letters. Agenda. Negotiation table. The new faces of board members. the smily analyst and the investment bankers who ran away. The me who wants to run away as well, the boss who disappointed me and who asked me to stay. The silence. The uncharacteristically silence. The walks in Hangzhou. Nice evening, beautiful view. Keep walking till legs sore, till too tired to think.

That report was never finished, was it? That part of the memory, did I subconsciously intend to seal it? It’s blocked. I cannot remember it.

I spent half an hour at a pirated CD stand picking music. Got a dozen. Stopped by a fruit stand to get some pineapple and lemon. It is said that they are effective in getting rid of construction smells.

I don’t need to work tonight. No expectation of phone calls from the opposite side of the night. No anticipation of text messages out of the already full memory. No deadline. No assignment. No obligations. No aspirations. No cause. No will. No physical pain. No intangible guilt. Not hopeful. Not desperate. No emotional drama. No silent conversation. No deep sadness. No large happyness.

Is this the state of nothingness in Daoism? I like it.

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